Sure, I Have Coping Skills. Oh, But You Mean…Do I Use Them?
Client: “Yes, I have coping skills, of course!”
Therapist: “Okay, let’s do a quick list and tell me how often you use them.”
Client: “Well, I like yoga and gardening.”
Therapist: “Okay, when do you do that?”
Client: “Oh, I don’t have time, but I really wish I did.”
Therapist: “Hm, so what do you do instead?”
Client: “Scroll the internet, look at memes, grump around my house.”
This isn’t a real dialogue from a client session, but it could be. This is me. I am the client, and odds are pretty good you are too.
We often have this big, overwhelming idea of what coping skills are and how to use them. Part of what we do in therapy is to break down some of those ideas about coping skills into manageable pieces.
What is a Coping Skill?
A coping skill is not just something that a therapist teaches you. We have been coping our entire lives, long before therapy ever came into the picture—sometimes in healthy ways and sometimes in less ideal ones.
Coping skills can be formal, mindful moments practiced during stressful times, but they can also be everyday activities, hobbies, and supports that help keep our stress levels balanced and our emotions regulated.
I find that when people come to therapy saying they “have no coping skills,” what they often mean is that their life is at an imbalance. They lack both everyday strategies to help them manage well and interventions to use when their stress and dysregulation reach a breaking point and they need to do something different.
How and When to Use Coping Skills
If you wait until you desperately need a coping skill, you won’t remember to use it, or you'll be too stressed to see it through effectively.
Have you ever taken a CPR course? You have to practice, practice, practice, including the step of designating someone to call 911. This is because, in moments of stress, our most logical, task-oriented parts of the brain go offline, and we operate from our survival brain.
The same goes for coping skills. By integrating them into your daily routine, you build a kind of muscle memory that kicks in when you need it most.
When I worked in schools, I used to hand out a one-page sheet with lists of coping skills. On one side, it had categories of skills, and on the other, a blank space for clients to fill in their own. It was always eye-opening for them to see which areas they had plenty of options for and which ones needed more effort. This is something more than just adolescents can benefit from; in fact, adults really, really need this!
So let’s make this practical and quickly applicable for your everyday life.
Quick and Discrete Coping Skills (No Tools or Lengthy Time Needed):
Mindful Moments: Take a few deep breaths and bring your attention to the present.
Butterfly Tapping: Lightly tap your arms, alternating sides, to calm your nerves.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Tense and relax muscle groups to release tension.
5 Senses Exercise: Identify something you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch.
Aromatherapy: Use a favorite scent to soothe yourself.
Grounding: Feel your feet on the ground and the sun on your face.
Squeeze Ball: Keep a stress ball handy for quick relief.
Voice Text/Snap/Message: Reach out to a support person.
Mindful Eating: Savor a snack with full attention.
Playdoh: Knead some clay for a tactile distraction.
Brain Dump: List your thoughts on your phone.
Container Mind Activity: Imagine putting your worries in a container and closing it.
More In-Depth, Intentional, and Sometimes Ritual Skills:
Guided Imagery Meditations: Following a guided meditation to visualize a calming scene.
Baking/Cooking: Engaging in cooking or baking as a therapeutic activity.
Gardening: Spend time nurturing plants and enjoying the outdoors.
Yoga: Practicing yoga to connect mind and body.
Cleaning: Organize your space for a sense of control and accomplishment.
Art: Creating art, whether it's drawing, painting, or crafting.
Games, TV Shows, Podcasts: Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation.
Having a Cry: Allowing yourself to release emotions through crying.
Talking with a Friend: Reach out for a chat, whether by phone, video, or in person.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings.
As you can see, many of us think of coping skills as the more time-consuming activities in the second list.
The reality is, we often don’t have the bandwidth for those, and we need to incorporate more from the first list—small, simple actions that take 60 seconds or less and can be done periodically throughout the day.
It’s like letting the pressure out of a soda bottle gradually instead of allowing it to explode.
The more you practice these small coping skills daily, the better you’ll be able to tackle bigger challenges.
This can include saying no, canceling plans you maybe didn’t want to make to begin with, advocating for your needs, reflecting on your values, building self-esteem, and fostering self-compassion.
So, take a moment today to think about your own coping skills.
Are they practical and easy to implement, or are they the ones you wish you had time for but never seem to fit into your busy schedule?
Remember, coping skills are meant to help you manage stress, not add to it. So keep it simple, keep it practical, and take it one step at a time.
If you’re finding it difficult to incorporate these strategies into your life or need more personalized support, please feel free to reach out.
Share your thoughts in the comments, or get in touch with me directly. We can work together to create a practical, easy-to-use toolkit of coping skills tailored just for you.